


A Game of Cat and Mouse

by ithyrial



Category: Bloodborne (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Flirting, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pet Names, References to Drugs, Teasing, patches being a smug bastard as usual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29377494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithyrial/pseuds/ithyrial
Summary: When the Healing Church hears rumor of an underground blood-trading business operating within Yharnam, they dispatch a group of clergy to investigate. Agatha, newly-promoted nun and a member of the aforementioned group, stumbles upon a promising (and rather annoying) lead.AKA the drug-dealer!Patches AU.
Relationships: Patches the Spider & Original Female Character(s), Patches the Spider/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 4





	1. The Hunt Begins

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to cyntax_error for her support, mrslittletall for her invaluable advice, and to my gf for putting up with me (lol). thank you all so much ❤ and thanks to you, dear reader, for giving this a try!
> 
> i proofread this as best as i could, so hopefully there are no errors, but please let me know if i missed anything!

There was a rumor going around. Rumors were a dime a dozen in Yharnam, of course - Yharnamites would gossip about even the most trivial of things - but this particular rumor stood out.

Somewhere within the city was a small shop. It was a simple little shop, completely ordinary in every way. However, word on the street was that it harbored a secret; supposedly, it was being used as a front...

...for an illicit blood-trading operation.

But not just any blood, no - this blood was special. Highly refined and powerfully intoxicating, it was better in every way than the blood that the Church simply handed out for free. And for only a mere handful of coins per vial, one could get their hands on this blood of exquisite quality at a modest price.

The Church, understandably, was not very happy about this when it reached their ears. That someone was possibly profiting off of the Good Blood on their streets, under their very noses...it was unacceptable.

A rumor of this caliber could not go ignored.

And so, the Church opted to investigate. The best way to accomplish this, they figured, was to send out a group to take care of the situation. However, a task of this sort couldn't be handled by just anyone, and as such, the group was only comprised of higher-ranking members of the Church.

The group met early the next morning to discuss how best to handle the investigation. Yharnam was a rather large city, so it was quickly agreed upon that the group would split up to search the shops. After each member was designated a section of the city to investigate, they all went their separate ways.

Among this group was a young woman by the name of Agatha. Recently promoted to the position of a senior nun, and thus having proven her worth to the Church, there was no doubt that she was competent enough to be involved with the investigation. In fact, Agatha had already managed to clear several shops of any wrongdoing. The owners were all totally willing to let her look around, and she hadn't noticed anything suspicious, so she had no trouble finding them trustworthy. This is easier than I thought it would be, she mused. She had originally feared that this would take all day to do, but it had actually only taken a couple of hours or so. Just one more shop to check and she would be done with her task. Then, the plan was to regroup with the others back at the cathedral and discuss their findings.

Finally arriving in front of the last shop, she looked up at the sign hanging above the door, reading "Patches' Trinket Galore".

She raised an eyebrow. "'Patches'? What a peculiar name..."

Walking in, a small bell jingled above her head as she stepped inside. A man - the owner, most likely - called to her from somewhere deeper within the shop, telling her he would be with her in a moment. Taking a look around, she saw several tables and shelves stocked with antiques, knick-knacks, and all sorts of things. Upon getting a closer look at some of the items, she noted that they appeared to be in various states of wear. Perhaps this place was some sort of second-hand shop? Walking over to one of the tables, she picked up a small cloth doll and looked it over. It was a little raggedy, but otherwise seemed like a normal doll.

"Interested?" someone inquired over her shoulder. She whirled around and found herself face-to-face with the remarkably-large nose of a tall, lanky, and...very bald man. "Although," he continued, raising an equally-hairless eyebrow, a playful smirk on his face. "I think you're a little too old to be playing with dolls, love."

She blinked and stuttered for a moment, glanced down at the doll in her hand, then put it back where she found it, clearing her throat to regain her composure. "Just looking." she said. "Are you the owner?"

"Why yes, I am!"

"So that means you must be, er...'Patches'?"

"The one and only!" He bowed gentlemanly, flourishing with a dramatic gesture, then stood straight, clasping his hands together and flashing her a smile. "How can I help you, darling?"

The pet name caught her off guard again; she wasn't used to being referred to in such a manner at all. "...Well, I'm from the Church, as you can surely tell." she explained, gesturing at her white robes.

"Yes, I noticed..." he mumbled, looking her over. "So what can I do for the Church?"

She hesitated. Something about the way he was scrutinizing her made her vaguely uncomfortable, but she tried to brush it off as just nerves; he had every right to be curious about a member of the Church suddenly showing up. "We're investigating all the shops in the city." she finally replied. "May I take a look around?"

"Hm...?" He was seemingly distracted as he analyzed her, but then recognition hit. "Oh!" he laughed. "Yes, of course! I'm not sure what you could be looking for, but feel free to have a gander!" he said, arm extended, inviting her to the rest of the shop. "I run a perfectly legitimate business; I have nothing to hide."

She was inclined to believe him at first. But...then he chuckled. Lowly. Under his breath. A sly glint in his dark, beady eyes. Face split in a wide, toothy smile that, while it originally appeared warm and friendly, now seemed much more like the devious grin of a man with a trick hiding up his sleeve. Despite his best efforts, his sharp features were betraying him.

Agatha couldn't help thinking that she might have found the person they were looking for.

At that moment, the bell above the door jingled again as someone else entered the shop. "Ah, a customer!" said Patches, jester-like grin still plastered on his face. "Pardon me, love. This will only take a moment. Again, feel free to look around!" And with that, he promptly left her to go speak with the customer. While he was busy doing that, Agatha took the liberty of checking out the shop. She found nothing out of the ordinary, however. Ornaments, children's toys, hats, parasols - nothing that aroused any suspicion. Perhaps she had misinterpreted Patches' behavior?

Then, whilst wandering around the shop, she overheard a conversation between Patches and the customer.

"Anything else I can help you with?"

"Yeah, can I take a look in the back?"

"Certainly, my friend! I think you'll like what I have in store for you."

Agatha paused. That was a curious exchange. What could be in the back?

Hearing footsteps approaching, she ducked behind a shelf. Daring a peek around it after they passed, she saw Patches and the customer heading to the back of the shop. She decided to follow them, using the shelves as cover, and watched as they stopped at a door labelled "spare goods". Patches took a key ring out of his pocket and, after flipping through the keys that were on it, found the one to the door and unlocked it. Stepping aside, he allowed the customer to enter first, following in afterwards and shutting the door behind him.

So he keeps that room locked...

Surely he must be hiding something in there? Perhaps she wasn't mistaken after all.

Eventually, Patches and the customer returned, the latter now holding a small drawstring bag in his hand, and made their way back to the front of the shop. The customer paid for his purchase, said goodbye, and left. Patches counted the handful of coins he had been given, chuckled to himself as he jingled them in his hand, then put them away at the till. Agatha stepped out from behind the shelf and approached him, clearing her throat to get his attention. He turned to her and smiled. "Oh, you're still here! Need something, m'love?"

Taken aback once again, she stuttered before finding her words. "I-I would like to take a look in that spare room back there, if it isn't too much trouble."

"Of course, darling!" he chirped. "I'm happy to help in any way that I can!"

Well, that was easy.

Too easy...

He led her to the back, opened the door for her, then stepped aside, hand extended to the room. "Ladies first~"

"Quite the gentleman..." she mumbled, entering the room with Patches following close behind her. It was smaller than the main part of the shop, and only had a couple of shelves in it, each stocked with shiny objects of varying kinds.

"Welcome to storage - or the 'Treasure Trove', as I like to call it! This is where I keep all the things that I don't want getting stolen." Patches explained.

"Yes, a reasonable concern to have. Thievery is still an issue even in this part of the city, unfortunately..."

"Yeah, I learned that the hard way..." he sighed. "There was an incident about, oh...maybe a month ago, where some bastard had broken in during the night and took some necklaces, and a week or two before that I'd caught a girl pocketing a ring - in plain daylight, if you can believe it - so I decided enough was enough, 'fool me once' and all that, and moved all the jewelry and whatnot back here; this way, I can keep a closer eye on things and make sure nothing gets snatched out from under my nose. Can't make a profit if I've got nothing to sell, right?"

She nodded. It made perfect sense to her. "Of course, good idea. Have you seen any sort of suspicious activity otherwise?"

He hummed in thought, mulling it over. "I don't think so..." Eventually reaching a conclusion, he shrugged. "Yeah, no, nothing out of the ordinary."

"I see..."

Agatha began looking over the shelves. Just as he said, there were rings, bracelets, necklaces, some jewels, and even a few ornate boxes. Anyone could understand his particular caution with these items - it all looked quite valuable.

Then, feeling a presence behind her back, she realized that Patches was looming over her shoulder again. "If you see anything you like, just let me know." he said. "I'll even offer you a discount, since you're a new customer~"

By the gods, did this man have no concept of personal space?

Agatha sidestepped away from him. "That's very kind of you, but I'll have to pass; I am here on official Church business only."

Patches shook his head and tutted. "Tsk tsk tsk, what a pity..."

After scanning over the room one more time, Agatha turned to Patches. "I think I'm satisfied with my investigation." she announced. "I'll be leaving now."

"Oh, alright. I'll see you out, then."

They left the room and reentered the main part of the shop, Patches locking the door behind them before following Agatha to the front of the shop. When she turned to bid him farewell, he suddenly spoke. "Er, if you don't mind my asking...just what is it that the Church is interested in?" he inquired. "Why are they investigating the shops?"

Agatha paused, furrowing her brow as she internally debated how to explain the situation without revealing too much information. There really wasn't much she was allowed to divulge. "...I'm not at liberty to say."

Patches seemed quite intrigued by that. He leaned down towards her, voice lowered, brow quirked, head tilted in curiosity. "Really? Well, that's intriguing... I'm afraid you've only further piqued my interest, darling."

He really did have no concept of personal space.

She leaned away from him, holding up her hand to create a barrier between them. "I'm sorry, but I really can't tell you. Your cooperation was very much appreciated. Good day."

But as she was about to step out the door, he stopped her again. "Wait, just one more thing!"

She resisted the urge to sigh and looked back at him, her impatience evident in the sideways glare she was sending his way. "Yes?"

"May I know your name, love?" he asked.

She turned to face him fully and regarded him for a moment before answering. "Agatha."

"A lovely name for a lovely lady." he said, grinning widely. "Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, darling~ I hope you'll come again soon!"

She thought about it (whilst trying her best to ignore his blatant flirting). She had to admit that she was still a little curious. There was something about this man that just seemed...off. If she were to approach him under less formal circumstances, she might be able to get more information out of him. He seemed like the kind of person who knew things that could be beneficial to the investigation, and thus, the Church. "...Perhaps I will."

Patches grinned even wider, if such a thing were possible. "Splendid! I'll look forward to your next visit~"

Agatha returned the smile, but the moment she turned away from him her face twisted into a grimace. She certainly wouldn't be looking forward to it.

After leaving the shop, she thought about what had transpired. It was a very strange experience indeed, and she couldn't honestly say that Patches had made a good first-impression upon her. Despite - or even because of - the friendly (and, ugh, flirty) façade, she couldn't help but feel that there was something darker hiding beneath the surface.

Yes, now she was certain.

She would definitely have to pay him another visit.


	2. A Fresh Delivery

"Come again soon!"

Patches waited for the customer to leave, then flipped the sign hanging on the door, officially closing the shop. "Good work today, Patches!" he praised himself. "Finally managed to get rid of that old nutcracker. Ugh, I was just about ready to burn that thing..." He shuddered. The wretched thing was haunted - he'd swear by it! Numerous times he had nearly lost a finger to its hungry jaws!

He shrugged. Not my problem anymore!

Moving on from the accursed nutcracker, Patches began cleaning up the shop. He whistled casually as he swept the floor, dusted off the merchandise, and wiped the windows down with a cloth. Once he was satisfied that everything was clean, he checked the clock hanging on the wall. "Almost nine o'clock." he noted. "Barty should be coming 'round here eventually."

Barty (short for Bartimus, but he hated being called that) was a longtime associate of Patches. While Patches handled the distribution side of the business, Barty took care of supply. The two had been working together for many years now, and had grown close enough together that they might as well have been brothers. Well, Patches thought so, at least. Barty might not agree, but one could never really be certain about him - the old grouch was a tough nut to crack!

Soon, there was a knock on one of the windows. Looking out, Patches saw Barty standing outside with a small crate under his arm. Well, speak of the devil! Patches unlocked the door and opened it, greeting Barty with a wide smile. "I was just wondering about you! You're actually rather early!"

"Aye." Barty grunted, stepping into the shop. "Managed not to 'ave any trouble this time. Weren't that many beasties scurryin' about."

"Good, good. But, uh..." Patches hesitated, staring at Barty's horrendous, bushy caterpillar of a mustache. "Are you quite sure about that? There's...some sort of small, furry creature on your face."

"Huh!?" Barty reached up with his free hand and started feeling his face, eventually making the connection when his fingers grazed over his mustache. "Oh, very funny..." he growled, and it was then that Patches finally cracked. Barty nearly had to shout to make himself heard over Patches' obnoxious cackling. "That joke's gettin' very old, y'know!"

"J-just- Just like-" Patches barely managed through his incessant giggling and snickering, Barty's scowl only amusing him further. "Just like you, eh?" He burst into another fit of laughter, but was interrupted when Barty suddenly punched him on the arm. "Ow!" he whined, clutching his arm, pouting. "You're no fun at all."

"Enough foolin' around. Here," Barty lightly shoved the crate into Patches' arms. "A dozen, as usual."

"Ah, perfect! Thank you, Barty." Shifting the crate under one arm and propping it on his hip, Patches reached into his pocket with his other hand and took out a few coins, handing them to Barty with a grin. "Pleasure doing business, bruv."

Grumbling his thanks, Barty pocketed the money, tipped his cap in farewell, and left. Humming a tune to himself, Patches made sure to lock the door again before carrying the crate to the back of the shop. He entered the storage room and set the crate on the floor, taking the opportunity of having a free hand to tenderly rub his arm. "Oof, that's going to bruise..."

Well, could be worse, he tried to reassure himself. At least he wasn't hit in the face!

Sighing with finality, Patches headed to the back of the room and lifted up the rug on the floor, uncovering a large trapdoor underneath. Undoing the latch and taking hold of the handle, he raised the door to gain access to the steps that led into the cellar. He retrieved the crate and made his way down, coughing lightly at the musty smell of the room. "Need to do something about this dust..." he muttered.

Setting the crate on top of a table and grabbing a nearby crowbar, he attempted to remove the top of the crate. It creaked in stubborn protest, but eventually popped off, revealing the contents. Looking it over, Patches counted twelve full vials, all intact. "Perfect, perfect..." Satisfied, he turned to the rest of the cellar, looking at the wine racks stocked with fermented blood. "Hmmm, I really should increase Barty's cut..." he mused. It would only be fair - and he could certainly afford to do it, thanks to their latest profits. Walking over to the racks, he affectionately patted one. "What d'you think?"

Then, realization dawned upon him. "Great, I'm talking to a bunch of bottles..." he groaned.

After briefly chastising himself, he turned on his heel and started making his way to the exit. "I'll deal with the new batch in the morning. It's been a long enough day as it is; first I get woken up by a bunch of brats throwing pebbles at my window, and then-"

He stopped halfway up the stairs.

Oh, right. The church girl. He had nearly forgotten about her.

"What to do about that little problem..." he wondered aloud. The girl seemed smart enough, but also a tad naïve. She shouldn't be too difficult to fool; just keep working the ol' Patches charm and she should hopefully be out of his (metaphorical) hair soon!

Although...he had to admit, it was rather amusing how she would react to his teasing. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all? He snickered to himself, a mischievous grin spreading across his face.

This was going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, sorry this chapter ended up being so much shorter than the first! also, i have no idea when i'm gonna continue this - but don't worry! i have a TON of other fanfic ideas that i want to work on in the meantime (most of them involving patches), so don't expect too much stagnation from me!
> 
> and patches, why the hell were you sticking your fingers in a nutcracker's mouth??? weirdo


End file.
